Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
