Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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