sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
