I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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