Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
