it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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