I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
