miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
