My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
