I didn't shave. On purpose
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
