tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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