fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
