Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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