That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
