today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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