Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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