You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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