Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
