i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sponge bath it is.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I have aggressive nipples.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
