Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
