so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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