That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
