she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
