things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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