remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
