my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
