the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
