the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Did I show you my penis last night?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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