Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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