A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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