Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
