your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
