Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
