I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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