Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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