My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
