two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
