Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
