I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
