I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
