good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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