I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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