I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
