wanna go halves on a baby?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
