Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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