I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
