Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
