I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
