Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
