Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
