his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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