even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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